Square One
Cindy at Baylor Homecoming. Our first date was there, 16,220 days ago.
I keep trying to find ways to give people updates without it being just a depressing rehearsal of the day. I keep praying that I will have loads of good news to share.
This is not that post.
Yesterday (Saturday the 15th) started very early with a pain siege. Cindy was up by 3 or 4 in the morning. We tried everything that has worked in the past, but nothing seemed to work. We felt very thankful that the pain never reached the highest levels it had last week, but it was still terrible to watch.
Last Saturday it had gotten so bad that we headed to the ER in Dallas and the pain broke just 15 min before we arrived. We got new meds and end up with a couple of good days. We thought that it might be the sign of things improving.
The pain siege that started yesterday lasted all through the day never yielding to zero pain. She is faithful taking the meds, thought both of us are worried about addiction and dependency. At times she has chosen not to take some of the pills. In an attempt to be brave and strong she did not take the maximum dose each time, but then the pain would increase and we would get on a bad spiral. So the rest of the day she took the full does each time.
At the lowest point of pain she got up because her body is so sore from lying down. She walked, she stood, We got a mattress topper of memory foam to see if it might relieve the pressure points.
We have a puzzle set-up on our tall table to give her something to do and a reason to stand and a distraction from the pain.
In the evening I was getting dinner out when I heard a sharp sound and then her voice calling for help. I rushed to find her slumped against the wall trying to keep from falling to the ground. I was able to get to her and stabilize her. Logan came rushing in from the other room and brought over the walker. We got her upright and then slowly together moved her to a chair. All of our hearts were racing as we took inventory. It did not appear that there was any damage, but we were all shaken up.
Cindy’s left leg was so weak from the pain that it just gave way under her.
We eventually had dinner and then began preparing for the night. We don’t know why, but it is always worse at night. We were both dreading the darkness. Since the pain had never gone away we were certain that it would try to take her while no one was looking.
Sure enough she took the hydrocodone at 10 which would knock a normal person out for hours, but only dulled the pain for about an hour. She woke up and tried to hide from the pain by not moving or acknowledging it, but it kept coming. She finally woke me and I got ice packs, and began rubbing her calf and ankle. I turned on the TV - giving her something else focus on has helped some, so we have been rewatching all of the Crown, it also keeps me awake because it is easy for me to fall asleep. After about 45 minutes we got the pain down to about 4 and she thought she might fall asleep. It was about 2AM.
I fell asleep within seconds thinking she would do the same. The alarm went off for her 3AM meds and I woke up. She had not fallen asleep- she was crying from pain and fear. What if this never gets better? This is way worse than any of her back pain? Have we ruined her life? What can we do?
She was able to take two pain pills. In the past they have usually taken about 20 minutes to dent the pain. We watch some of the Crown, we rubbed her legs and prayed for relief. At 45 minutes nothing had changed. After an hour she got up, She took a hot shower to see if it might help. At about 5AM she got back into bed but sleep never came. At 6AM we moved to the couch where I can sit with her foot in my lap and massage her ankle. She ate some food, took more meds and about 6:30AM she finally fell asleep while I held the Theragun on her calf and rubbed her ankle. At about 7 AM the Theragun gave out. At about 7:30 AM I slid her foot out of my lap and cuddled up on the love seat next to her covers up with a quilt and listened to her sleep.
At about 9:30 AM I woke up and heard her voice. She had missed her 9 AM meds while we both slept. She took that dose. I fed the very confused dogs who keep trying to touch her and are wearing out the carpet near us making endless circles trying to find the right place to rest. Thankfully she slipped back into a fitful slumber.
I’m sitting next to her watching her and praying for her. Somehow this is the place and posture where she is able to find some relief. It is a drug induced haze. It is not good. It is still very scary.
“When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.”
Psalm 77
1 I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.
3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.
4 You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days, the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
7 “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
13 Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
16 The waters saw you, God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water, the heavens resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
I filmed this walking along the shore of the Bosporous in Istanbul. I did not intend to walk with this boat, but as I started, it came into my frame. The slow thumping of the engine we intriguing. At first I was walking with the boat, then next to it, then eventually it outpaced me. That is a lot like our faith journeys. Sometimes we are ahead, sometimes right in step, sometimes it is our ahead of us.
The Psalms have long guided God’s people. We need the psalms in times like this. When you pray and pray and nothing happens. When it feels like God is letting us down. When Satan has the upper hand. I relate to the charge - has God forgotten to be merciful?
I’ve been wondering if this is a consequence of my new job. I just helped found a new Global Evangelism Coalition with other leaders from around the world. Satan would like nothing better than to derail the emphasis of telling the whole world about the love of Christ.
But we have not forgotten the cross, the resurrection, the miracles, the parted waters. We have not forgotten the many joys, the answered prayers, the years of faithfulness and while we wear God out by asking for relief we ask in faith.
Cindy and I still are playing Pokemon Go. My buddy in the game right now is Eevee. It was an encouragement to have him come and sit with Cindy.
